You remember the other day
when we talked about the Tesla Model X and its bioweapon defense mode? Back then it was just a want. Today, we’re gonna need it.
No, don’t look out your window. And definitely don’t go outside. Shut off all the lights, and take your phone or computer to a windowless room so you can keep reading. Are you scared yet? You should be. The zombies have come.
We don’t have a lot of information yet, but we do know it’s a virus that’s transmitted through bites, and that blood or other fluid contact is relatively safe, like a modified rabies. It makes the victims hyper-aggressive and can even animate their bodies after death. It’s a ghastly plague, and it’s sweeping its way through all the major cities as we speak.
But it’s not all bad news. After all, our carbon emissions dropped to virtually zero overnight. And because this blog has been secretly preparing you for just such an eventuality. For example, remember when we told you to stock your home with upcycled pallets
? It’s time to smash that beautiful dining table you built and start boarding up the windows. Come back once you’re done so we can discuss what we’re gonna need to survive this thing.
Are you back? You weren’t bitten were you? Good. Then let’s check our resources.
In any survival situation, water is priority uno
. Right now you’ve got endless supplies at your fingertips through the tap. And while most municipal water supplies will continue to run for a while even without electricity, you can’t guarantee that water will be safe for very long.
That’s okay, though. You’ve been stocking up on plastic bottles because you no longer trust the single-stream recycling system
to be effective. Start filling those puppies up. Fill up the bathtub, too. We don’t plan on you being in your house for too long, but you never know. Now, even if the water stops working, you’ll have enough for days. Weeks, maybe, depending on your bottle stock.
You can get more bottles by dumping out everything in your fridge. The power will be out soon, anyway, and that milk won’t do you any good.
Now that your water supply is taken care of, it’s time to think about dinner.
Food is the one thing I really can’t help you with. Hopefully, you have some well-stocked shelves, or a larder tucked away in a storm shelter. If it’s outside, don’t try to get to it now. You’ll be okay for a little while without food, even if you don’t like it.
Instead, gather up your perishables. You’ll be feasting on those over the next couple of days, both to keep them from spoiling and to build up your strength for the weeks to come. Luckily, you built yourself a hydroponic garden
in your garage. Depending on when you last planted, you could have a few days’ worth of fresh fruits and vegetables to keep you going. But when the power goes and the pumps die, the plants won’t last long, so eat up while you can. After that, it’s canned goods.
If there’s still room in your garage for a car, we need to discuss your …
Let it be known that we here at RecycleNation don’t condone the use of SUVs under any circumstances… except these. So, I hope you have great big one. But let’s face it, if you’ve been following the rest of our advice, you probably have a hybrid or an electric. Sorry about that.
No big deal, though. We can work with it. The hybrid will be great for getting around, since it won’t consume much gas. The electric will be a roadblock once the power goes. Nevertheless, you need to get out of town once it’s clear, and the electric will help you do that at least. Stuff about half of your food and a few gallons of water in the trunk. Keep the rest in backpacks in case you need to bug out the back door.
I hate to break this to you, but the zombie apocalypse, despite the total collapse of the social contract, is no time to go around showing skin. Remember, those things out there infect you by biting you, and pretty much only by biting you. Walking outside in a t-shirt and shorts is basically like ringing a dinner bell.
Instead, look in your stash of organic cotton clothing
. Find something thick and long-sleeved, and put a sturdy coat over it. It’s October, after all. You might as well keep warm while you’re protecting yourself from the gnashing teeth of the dead. A solid pair of jeans (that means no fashion holes!) and boots will help protect your lower half. A solid layer of clothing could very well mean the difference between life and undeath.
Stuff a spare shirt and a pair of jeans on top of the food in your backpack, just in case the ones you’re wearing get chewed.
You’ve got your water? Your food? Your clothing? Good. It’s time to get outta Dodge.
Now, since we’re dealing with a virus here, we’re gonna have to assume the Z obey the laws of physics. Any organic material without a functioning circulatory system tends to freeze when it gets cold and squish when it gets hot.
That leaves you with two options. Number one, find a nice deserted island in the Caribbean. Relax, live off the land, and basically enjoy your life far more than you did before the end of the world. Assuming you can find a boat.
Option two – and again, this is not something I ever recommend, except as plan Z – head to Canada. The Yukon is tough territory, and it’s bitter cold, which means the dead heads won’t stand a chance. Once they’re nice and frozen, you can spend all day practicing your sword techniques.
Now, get in your car and go. Try not to run over the zombies, and be careful who you talk to out there. Get to a safe, secluded place and hunker down. Check back here for more news when you get there. It’ll all be over soon.